I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I deserve this hangover.
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