Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
