I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
