I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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