I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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