He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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