Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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