It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
