how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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