I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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