Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
