I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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