saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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