I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
