just come out here and I will go home with you...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
