so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
