9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
