i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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