My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
