I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
