Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
