I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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