I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
