I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
