When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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