Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize