I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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