life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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