I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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