the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
And then he peed in my hair
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
