if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize