I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
