I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
