i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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