my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She bit a glass in half.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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