Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
