i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
