I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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