she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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