I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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