so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I forget how to act sober
Randomize