bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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