if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
