I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
