So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
