Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
