Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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