Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My penis needs a shock collar
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
