My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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