What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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