the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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