i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
