Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
