my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
