that's an acceptable place to lick
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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