I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize