I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just forgot I was standing up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
