Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
