If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
