Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
