Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
