8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
